As a sex and relationship coach with over 20 years of experience, I help couples reach their goals through co-creation, so they can make complete and permanent change in their relationships.
By most measures, I was a successful person—Silicon valley job and all. But I was terrible with women. I somehow managed to be a misogynist and have a Nice Guy Syndrome at the same time.
To put it bluntly, I was needy, codependent, and bad in bed.
My loneliness and craving for physical affection led me to seek connection and answer. I mentored with the best sensuality teachers and researchers of the time, and began to understand the intricacies of sex and intimacy.
I become a well-respected sex instructor, leaving my career in tech to tech full time. my focus was female pleasure and clitoral stimulation. My work got mentions everywhere from Cosmo to Playboy to Business Insider to Tim Ferriss’s 4-Hour book series. I was even invited to be the principal curriculum architects during the creation of a clitoris-based mindfulness practice called Orgasmic Meditation (OM).
Plentiful sex made me cocky at first—the arrogance of someone impressed with their own rapid uplevel. Once I was over myself, intimate connection started to take the center stage for me.
I realized what I had been hungry for the whole time was an empathetic, shared experience with another human being.
As a man, I had been conditioned to seek the intimate connection through sex. But intimate connection is a vital nutrient, one we all need. I was tapping into the deeper hunger that drives the best sex and draws us into relationships.
My intimacy with women blossomed. My fragile ego was replaced by true confidence and self-esteem. I was developing a keen intuition that could sense my partner’s needs.
Making her pleasure a priority shifted the whole relationship in a way that gratified us both.
The 1950’s are long gone, and I believe we need a new model for intimate coupledom. In that era, men were seen as providers and protectors, while women were the nurturing homemakers. This also left them with the silent burden of the emotional well-being of their household. If you’ve ever heard a woman complain she feels like the parent to her husband, that’s a remnant of this model.
Today, rather than providing and protecting, valuable skills for men are confidence and intuition. Women thrive when they are not shrunk into someone who needs protection, but rather can step into her full power. Many couples need guidance shifting the generational script inherited from the past.
That’s why I’ve developed the model for heterosexual couples of a Powerful Woman and a Confident Man.
I’ve tested this model by coaching couples, teaching courses across the world, giving lectures, and living what I taught within my own life. My theories have been proven over and over again, and have helped my clients enter into a state of co-creation and build connection-based relationships that stand the test of time.
My primary gauge of my own success is whether couples are still happy and thriving years after our work together.
If I asked you to envision your ideal life, relationship, and partner, you could probably do it. The problem is, you may get frustrated when you never find that person who fits your ideal.
Here’s what you may be missing: the realization that true intimacy is so penetrating and profound that, when you find it-even with someone who doesn’t match your vision-you can create a deeper connection that you could have imagined. When you can come together, luminous being to luminous being, you can transcend the template of what you think your relationship is supposed to look like. What’s possible for your relationship surpasses the best relationship you could imagine. That means you’ll have to set your vision aside, because it pales in comparison.
I love seeing the committed couples I coach experience complete and permanent transformation in just a few months. As they shed the tried templates and formulas that do not serve them and learn to recognize their unique, one-in-eight-billion connection, they make decisions together by asking, ‘which path will cultivate our connection?’
© 2020 KEN BLACKMAN
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