Take commerce out of your sex to improve it. But once that’s established… let the games begin!
We’ve been trained from practically day one to view sex as a commodity. For her: “Don’t give it away.” (No matter how much you want it!) For him: “Be a good provider and protector, and you’ll get love.” (Buying your way around actually becoming a great lover!) This could be the exact thing preventing you from ever having great sex — sex that pulls you both back into the bedroom again and again. The more you’re having sex for some other reason, the less you’re having sex for its own sake.
Sure, learn to pleasure your partner beyond what they thought possible. Absolutely, have sex for the positive effect it has on you. But while you’re at it, keep an eye out for all those places where you’re using sex as a bargaining chip, where you put any kind of price tag on it.
Then, watch the quality of your sex life skyrocket when you make a pact with your partner to stop doing that. Let nothing attach to your sex — no politics, no reward or punishment, no extortion or bribery. Just sex for sex’s sake. Some examples:
I know we pretty much want to kill each other right now, AND we both want sex. I’m not going to hold out on you because we’re arguing. I’m not going to say, no sex for you until you do what I want, pretending I’m not feeling the spark as much as you are.
We both thoroughly enjoyed putting our combined attention on your sexy bits for maximum sensation. There’s no owesies; I don’t want any portion of your brain preoccupied with what you’re going to have to do to me in return. I totally got off on doing that. My body wants the attention it wants when it wants it, but that’s true anyway, not as payback for what we just did.
I will never bring up all the nice things I’ve done for you when I want sex. I acted out of love and generosity, not to buy you, and that’s not going away. I vow to use my seduction skills instead of my extortion skills. You have your own sexual appetite, I never need to convince you.
There’s a quality that your sex life can get to with someone when you both fiercely protect it from being pulled into any type of commerce. A quality that has to be experienced to really get what you’ve been missing. Your bodies open up to each other that much more, your brain shuts up and gets out of the way, and there’s a deep, visceral YES to sex — raw, experiential, animal; not doled out, rationed, bought, sold or tallied on a balance sheet.
Once that’s understood and completely established in your relationship, there’s a TON of fun games that can be played at the opposite extreme. Like taking your partner right up to the very edge of going over, then slowing your stroke way down to a crawl and extracting all kinds of promises from them that they would never say yes to otherwise, in order to have the next… exquisite… stroke. Don’t take them over until they’ve surrendered every ounce of self-control and handed over the keys!
[Originally posted to YourTango. Used with permission.]