Communication in Relationships (interview)

This is a snippet from an interview I did with Raw Attraction magazine, on communication in relationships. ~~~

R.A.: Hi Ken. We all realize that great communication is pivotal in a developing a strong relationship with someone. But, what makes great communication?

K.B. First of all, it’s important to recognize that everything is a communication. Everything. About 5% of any given communication is conveyed in the words, and words are sometimes the least revealing. So, if you pay attention to everything, and notice how-it-feels rather than what-it-might-mean, then you can start to pick up on all the nuances and metamessages, and you’ll discover your partner is already telling you everything you need to know.

Second, it’s really important to know that men and women use language differently. Men think language is for conveying content, whereas women use language to evoke an emotional flavor in the listener — they skilfully exchange packets of emotion. So a man may get annoyed when a woman is factually wrong, even though the emotional message is loud and clear; he deliberately tunes that channel out. Meanwhile, a woman gets annoyed when a man uses the same language he uses for business deals and car repair in what is obviously an emotional situation, but it’s the only language he’s got. Unfortunately for him, her language is better suited for the stuff of relationships than his. The men who do best with women are fluently bilingual.

R.A. How can men become better at the language women speak?

K.B. Ok, you know that moment when you’re sure she wants you to do the dishes, and you get irritated that she won’t just come out and say it? Brother, if you picked up on it, then she communicated! So stop pretending you didn’t get the message, or it doesn’t count if it’s not delivered to you in proper man-speak. You want that spidey sense, you want to get good at listening to it and acting on it, because it’s exactly the same as the moment when she’s yelling, “I’m really irritated with you!” and you’re savvy enough to detect the hint of “Please, just throw me on the bed right now!” that’s underneath it. So make use of every opportunity to use that skill and be grateful for the intuitive connection…

[ you can read the full interview here… ]


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